Subjective Morality

The life of the scientist was extinguished by the giant amoeba he had created in his lab (whose name was Spoogey). He was now floating inside a little pink bubble, much like that one bitch from The Wizard of Oz. He didn’t know where he was floating to. He felt like he was on some major drugs as the bubble flew over a bunch of mushrooms with what appeared to be a squat plumber jumping over them. Trippy, he thought. The bubble came to a rest on a giant cloud and unceremoniously popped, flopping him on the ground like some sort of fish-thing.

As he propped himself up, he witnessed a beautiful site, the pearly/ashen gates of Heaven (neat, huh?). He limped over to the gates and knocked on their pearly/ashen awesomeness. The gates squeaked open like the bones of some old man thing, and he slowly walked inside. A giant gelatinous marshmallow greeted him. It’s name was God, as evidence by the name tag on its gelatinous exterior. “Congratulations, you’re in heaven!” the marshmallow-thing said.

“Really?” said the scientist. “But I’m an atheist.”

“Exactly!”

“What? I’m confused.”

“Oh, I only let those who are logical enough to not believe in me go to Heaven,” God said, as he chomped down on a chicken leg.

“Wait, so I was wrong?”

“Yep!”

“So logic didn’t help much.”

“Yes it did! You’re in Heaven, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I was wrong.”

“So? You were logical and that’s all that matters!”

“But logic has failed me! Don’t you see?! How can I, a scientist, be wrong?

“Will you shut up already? You’re in ultimate paradise! Now be happy!”

“Logic has failed me! WHY?! WHY?!” he shouted, limbs flailing about as if he’d gone mad.

“OK, fuck you, you’re going to Hell.” A giant hole opened up in the cloud and the scientist fell, screaming like a chihuahua. “Alright, who’s next?” said God.